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Losing Myself Postpartum

October 1, 2020

I had prepared so much for giving birth but I didn’t really prepare for being a mother. I expected the worse, sleepless nights, stress, and fatigue—don’t even get me started on breastfeeding! But you really don’t know what postpartum is like until you go through it.

How hard is postpartum? I can only share with you my own experience from the heart. Since the day I gave birth until now, it’s been a struggle. The feeling of being drained and alone, the feeling that you’re so far from the person you once were, those feelings haunted me during pregnancy and even after giving birth. I’d wake up at 3 a.m. and question the kind of person I’ve become, and what kind of mother I’d be to my son. Even though I seemed to have everything I needed, I still felt sad.

I’d heard stories of depression from other mothers and I’ve seen their struggles, therefore I did my best to fight off what was eating me inside. I forced myself to work out even though I was lazy, I restricted my sweet/carb intake even though I wanted to binge eat, I stopped watching shows that validated my feelings (Thank you Rupaul’s Drag Race for bringing me so much joy this past year.) Slowly I started gaining control of my emotions and getting my self-esteem back.

As superficial as it may seem, I wanted to look good. Who doesn’t? I feel so much better when my teeth are clean, my face is rid of blackheads and when hair looks like I actually have time to take care of it. So I thought to myself, “Why don’t I just get a makeover?”, “Why not attempt to feel fresh again?”

My hair has been dull and dry for so long, so I decided to go lighter for a change! Maybe if my hair brightened up then my mood would too. And honestly–it did! Something so simple, instantly changed how I felt when I looked in the mirror. Next stop was to go to my dermatologist to remove those nasty blackheads that have piled up over lockdown; they were practically begging to be removed from my face. I was treated by my derma with the “celebrity facial” (Which will be in my next vlog - stay tuned) since I haven’t been back in a year, and man, it was great. My face felt so smooth and rejuvenated after, and I looked as if I had had a good night’s rest!

I’m not trying to say that I’m 100% okay now just because I got my hair done and had a facial—it’s definitely going to be a long process before I get my sh@# together, but hey, one step at a time right? Kudos to the moms out there who give so much of yourselves to others. I hope you don’t forget to be kind to yourself. Please remember these wise words from Rupaul – “If you can’t love yourself, how the hell you gonna love somebody else?“ Amen Rupaul, Amen.